Body By Emilio
Sculpted by Chaos. Powered by measured servings of high-quality protein and sheer will. Cultured by the Gods of Gains.
Welcome to the church of gains. Pastor Emilio will now deliver the sermon on the mount...ain of biceps.
Emilio?
Emilio isn’t just a trainer. He’s a fitness philosopher.“No pain, no gain” is outdated. Emilio lives by:
“Sweat is just your fat crying. Let it weep.”Certified in Personal Training, Functional Dumbbell Philosophy, and Advanced Mirror Flexing. He’ll train you so hard, your abs will develop their own Wi-Fi signal.
Results... Fuck Yeah!
Bitch-ass body
Body after Emilio gets his hands all over you
📊 Emilio’s Official Stats
- Bicep circumference: 17.5 inches (when slightly flexed)
- Protein shakes consumed: 3,482 and counting
- Clients who've rage quit leg day: 42
- Gym selfies taken: Over 9,000
- Max reps of 'Hey bro' per session: 14
- Mirror checks per hour: 11
- Cheat meals per week: “Every meal is a cheat if you believe.”
- Number of gym fits owned: 27, color-coordinated
- Times blamed 'bad lighting': 65
- Pull-up attempts before warm-up: 1 (just to show dominance)
- Times he said “last rep” (lied): 1,743
- Most used phrase: “Feel the burn, become the fire.”
- Sleep per night: 4–12 hours (depending on bulking phase)
- Steps taken to avoid cardio: 1,000
- Probability Emilio is flexing now: 87%
💬 Testimonials from the Cult of Emilio
“I signed up because I thought this was a joke. 3 months later, I have quads that clap when I walk and nightmares about lunges. 10/10.”
Kyle
Reformed pizza guy
“Before Emilio, I couldn't open a jar of pickles. Now I can open my ex's heart and emotionally devastate her new boyfriend with just my delts.”
Taylor
Emotionally shredded
“He didn’t just change my body. He upgraded my soul firmware. I sweat protein now.”
Lana
Ascended being
“I blacked out during Bulgarian split squats and woke up with a six-pack and a restraining order from my couch.”
Marcus
No longer sitting down
“Emilio made me cry during warmups. Then he told me that was part of the hydration strategy. Genius.”
Rebecca
Chronically sore but grateful
“My abs aren’t visible yet but I’m pretty sure I can smell them. That’s progress.”
DeShawn
Believer in vibes-based gains
“I hired Emilio as a joke. Now I look like a Greek statue and fear stairs.”
Jen
Quadzilla-in-training
“At one point he said, ‘You don’t find strength. You earn it through controlled rage.’ I was scared. But also... inspired?”
Lucas
Emotionally confused